Be the daughter

What is a "good daughter" anyway?

What does it mean when doctors and nurses tell me to "just be the daughter" as I try to care for my aging Mom? I thought I was being the daughter when I quizzed the doctor on what medications were really needed or asked the nurse to be sure to add lots of sweets to Mom's dinner tray. I thought the role of the daughter was to advocate like a pit bull for my Mom. In fact, Mom's friends all call me a "good daughter". They must be right, after all they have watched me in action for years. My brother calls me a micromanager, but what does he know? He's a man and he's thousands of miles away.

But maybe being a daughter is something different. Maybe it's really just about being the love in the grand equation of caregiving. Maybe it's not running the errands, or emptying the bed pan or changing the sheets. Maybe it's more about the silence that falls between words, when a hair is brushed off a sweating forehead or a hand is massaged with a favorite lotion. Maybe it's knowing just when to play the Lawrence Welk CD instead of the classical music. Maybe it's not even necessary to be physically present to be a daughter, but can be communicated via voice over the phone or even on planes of existence we can't consciously understand. Maybe it's just love. In the end that is all there will be between us anyway. No bodies, no sounds, no distractions...just love. Maybe it's time for me to just be the daughter. Maybe they are right.

So what do you think? What is the role of a "good daughter" as we get older?